Good news, bad news

One day in the life, as reflected on the front page of the Gainesville Sun.

First, I get it that one small step for Bezos is one giant step for billionaires. And the fact that he has successfully managed to do something that others did more than half a century ago with much more primitive technology is certainly worthy of front page news.

Still, I have to wonder if, while he was enjoying his five minutes of weightlessness on the very edge of space – going where no tourist has gone before except for, you know, the Virgin Blue billionaire – Bezos happened to notice the smoke that has spread across our great land, from Oregon to Philadelphia.

I only ask because it is a direct result of the American orgy of consumerism that Jeff made his billions catering to.

Which of course has nothing to do with the City of Gainesville now having to grapple with the sudden onset of gun violence locally.

This seems to be a result of our children discovering that if they keep opening parked car doors at random they will sooner or later find an unlocked car with a gun in it.

This because whoever owned the car needed to go armed in case…well, you know…road rage and stuff.

That’s not Jeff’s fault, of course. And I want to make it perfectly clear…for Second Amendment purposes…this has nothing to do with the fact that we are the most heavily gun-saturated society in, you know, the history of human civilization.

Because such inference would be an insult to all the “good” gun owners out there.

Listen, guns are as American as apple pie and, being inanimate objects, they cannot be held responsible in any way, shape or form, for the fact that our children are gunning each other down in drive-bys.

All this is happening simply because we do not, yet, have enough good guys with guns to stop our children from doing drive-bys.

But never mind that. The important thing is that our city commission, pretty much finding itself powerless to do anything about our kids gunning each other down, are getting on with the Business Of The Day.

In this case, empowering public intoxication because..well, because so far so good…which is to say that nobody brandishing an open container has lately killed anybody else in the city limits.

And if we are really lucky that won’t happen before the next city elections.

On the plus side, we haven’t had any high-rise condos here in town collapse due to (pick you favorite bad guy) sea rise, shoddy construction, failure of local safety regulation, legislative malfeasance or, um, gravity.

So that’s good, I suppose.

Anyway, this is all just one recap of a single day’s Gainesville Sun front-page. And you know what they say about the, um, lamestream media. They absolutely refuse to report the really good news about America.

I rest my case.

So what have we learned, boys and girls? That all of this bad news is all the Sun’s fault, really.

Except for the good news it printed about Bezos in space.

1 Comment

  1. Of course, the solution is obvious: To keep 13 year old kids from illegally buying guns, we must make gun purchases by 13 year olds legal.

    What we need is more good 13 year olds with gun’s to stop the bad 13 year olds!

    (indeed, it is a sad testament to our time that I am forced to point out that this comment is meant to be satire, and not a serious policy position.)

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