This time let’s hire the best.
Lane Kiffin? Bob Stoops? That other Stoops?
Yeah, let’s go after all of The Usual Suspects in our ongoing quest for National Championship Glory. That always works.
Or we could go with the obvious choice: Ted Lasso.
I’m not kidding. Just hear me out Gator Nation.
Ted Lasso isn’t a real coach but he plays one on TV. And he’s superb in that role.
He drips with empathy, so everybody loves him. He’s funnier than Lane Kiffin stranded at an airport. He makes the players and the fans feel good about themselves whether or not they win.
But most of all he’s an actor who’s really good at what he does.
Listen, the last three coaches UF hired also turned out to be actors. They just stunk at it.
Ted can make us laugh. He can make us cry. He can send us home with a warm glow instead of a burning rage.
Whether or not his Gators win.
But here’s the best reason of all to hire a professional actor to play the next Gator coach.
It would, finally, put the University of Florida on record as stating that its No. 1 Reason For Being is…entertainment.
Lasso is Mr. Entertainment. Heck, we haven’t had a Mr. Entertainment at Florida Field since Steve Spurrier perfected the Visor Throw.
What’s that you say? If we hire Ted Lasso he won’t get it that his Job No. 1 is to win National Championships?
Um…Gator Nation. Far be it from me to point out the obvious. But in the 100-plus years of Gator Football, only two coaches have gotten that.
Listen, picking a guaranteed National Championship Coach is about as easy as drinking copious amounts of beer, tossing darts in that pub where Ted Lasso hangs out…and hoping that, this time, something sticks.
Only along the way, we end up spilling hundreds of millions of dollars in salaries, buyouts, world-class facilities…and then we repeat all of the above because we still got it wrong.
Hundreds of millions of dollars! Heck, if you give that kind of money to the Physics Department they’d probably invent anti-gravity and UF would finally get its first Nobel Prize.
Alternatively, we could hire actors to play physics professors, cut the department’s budget, and get on with the business of chasing UF’s No. 1 Priority: National Championship #4.
Some day. Maybe. With a little luck perhaps. And a lot more money, of course.
Hell no! I vote we hire Ted Lasso. He’ll flummox the boys in the press box. He’ll charm the pants (with wallets still inserted) out of the Bull Gators. He’ll get better ratings than Lane Kiffin on his best Twitter rant day.
Oh, and about that National Championship: We’ll just do what the University of Central Florida did.
We’ll claim it whether we won it or not.
Because that’s the beauty of Show Business. You get to write your own script.