UF announces major name change

“The benefits of a classical education”: The liberal terrorist Hans Gruber to red-blooded American hero John McClain in the traditional American Christmas movie ‘Die Hard.’

This just in:

After exhaustive study, considerable polling and not a little bit of testing the political winds, University of Florida President Kent “Cant” Fuchs announced today that a new name has been selected for UF’s 111-year -old College of Liberal Arts and Sciences.

The rebranded “College of Conservative And Family Values” will more accurately reflect the central mission of the university itself,” Fuchs said.

“We love tradition as much as anybody,” he continued. “But it has become increasingly clear that the old name was contributing to a misguided perception that our students were being indoctrinated into leftist, radical and unAmerican schools of thought.”

“We want to make it clear that, bricks-and-mortar-wise, UF stands solidly in the camp of anti-wokeness, anti-correctness and anti-liberalism. We want our students and their helicopter parents to rest assured that CRT (Critical Republican Theory) will not be drummed into students’ impressionable little heads at the University of Florida.”

Which is why, in addition to the name change, the ivy covering the college’s walls will also be replace with a chain-link facade, the better to symbolize the rightness of Donald Trump’s Wall.

In a ringing endorsement of this latest turn of events, Gov. Ron DeSantis issued a statement praising President Cant Fuchs for, finally, repudiating more than a century of radical academic dogma.

“Liberal arts and sciences,” DeSantis said, “literally teaches our precious students to think for themselves, and thereby makes them ashamed to be Americans. This name change signifies that the University of Florida is on the side of the angels…which of course puts them on my good side.”

As if to further drive home the point, UF announced that several departments within the College Of Conservative And Family Values will also be rebranded.

Among them:

The Department Of Political Science will henceforth be known as the Department Of Acquiescence And Air Condition Repair.

The Department Of Anthropology will be renamed The Department Of Spontaneous Creationism.

The Department of Philosophy will now be known as The Department of Life According To The Donald.

The Department Of History will be renamed The Department Of Everything You’ve Been Taught Up Till Now Was A Lie.

The Spanish Department will now be called The We Don’t Need No More Immigrants Coming Here Department.

And the Religion Department will be, um, rechristened, to The Department Of The Church Of DeSantis.

In what can only be described as an end-of-press-conference-teaser, President Sly Fox hinted that further name changes may be in the offing as the University of Florida continues to reexamine its mission and, indeed, its very purpose for being in order to better conform to current reality.

“When you think about it, the very word ‘Florida’ is fraught with negative implications that are better not discussed in an enlightened institution of higher learning,” Foxy mused. “Let’s just say that we’re in the process of fine-tuning and let it go at that….for now.”

More later.

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