Vienna waits for you

Listen, I spent nearly six or seven hours in Vienna, so I’m in a great position to tell you all about it so you won’t have to go. But first, a musical interlude.

You know that when the truth is told you can get what you want or you can just get old.

You’re gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.

When will you realize Vienna waits for you? Billy Joel.

It’s my guess that Billy Joel spent even less time in Vienna than I did. But here’s the bottom line. Lots of really humongous buildings and colossal statues erected by royals who had more money then sense. I mean, the heating bills alone have got to be ruinous in today’s dollars.

Everybody still talks about Franz Josef (right) their greatest emperor. Hardly anybody even mentions Joey Frank (left) Franz Josef’s illegitimate son by his winter palace chambermaid.

So I went into the humongous cathedral near the humongous palace and I couldn’t help but notice that they had a portrait of The Donald tucked away in a nearly hidden corner. When I called them on it they claimed it was some pope or other. I was not convinced.

Do NOT approach this Basquiat character if you see him on the street. P.S. Monet and Picasso are still dead.

I saw these two young women rolling out something that resembled either giant economy sized taffy rolls or squid tentacles. There was a group of appreciative onlookers so my bet is on taffy.

Apparently the city is still in love with the 1949 noir flick “The Third Man.” Not only because it was filmed in Vienna but because the theme music was written by an actual Viennese who, according to our guide, “never had to work again.” Such are legends born.

There was the big green rabbit next to a big bottle of Champaign sitting on the roof of a souvenir kiosk in Albertina Plaza. I do not know why.

But the rabbit wasn’t the most interesting thing in Albertina Plaza.

There is also a very moving collection of sculptures….

….dedicated to victims of fascism. Check it out if you get to Albertina Plaza.

Like I said. A lot of really big buildings. Oh, and this cool mural that I saw somewhere.

This is actually one of the Hapsburg’s smaller palaces. But never mind that, the important thing is that people really like to shop in Vienna.

Great public transit and pretty good bicycle infrastructure as well.

Fine, so Vienna’s green. I shall alert the media.

Listen, I can’t help but notice that Europe in general has a noticeable graffiti problem. My guide told me that the city government allowed graffiti artists to do whatever they wanted to do for long stretches along the canal. The expectation being that they wouldn’t do graffiti elsewhere. It didn’t work.

A bronze guy with an oar. An exclusive gentlemen’s club. Name two things you can find in Vienna.

They built this statue to honor victims of the Black Plague. Well, all of the victims except this poor devil at the bottom who, if I’m reading things right, was sent straight to hell.

It’s all right you can afford to lose a day or two. When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

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